"So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."

- Will Rogers

 

"I've never seen a monument erected to a pessimist."

- Paul Harvey

 

"Why is it that talking to God is called praying, but when it's the other way around it's called schizophrenia?"

- Charles Milazzo

 

"The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as it was in Samson's day."

- James R. Swanson

 

"Theatre is live, film is art, television is furniture."

- Andrew Lloyd Webber

 

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."

- Steven Wright

 

"The average person thinks he isn't."

- Father Larry Lorenzo

 

"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it."

- Steven Wright

 

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

- Mark Twain

 

"Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity - and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

 

"Someone sent me a postcard of Earth. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'"

- Steven Wright

 

"What's another word for thesaurus?"

- Steven Wright

 

"I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests."

- Steven Wright

 

"I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart."

- Steven Wright

 

"I know the guy who writes all those bumber stickers. He hates New York."

- Steven Wright

 

"It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused."

- Steven Wright

 

"I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it."

- Steven Wright

 

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."

- Francis Bacon

 

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it."

- Bill Cosby

 

"A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."

- Rhonda Hanson